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So I always felt a little sad when I heard comics introduced with, "This next guy, you've seen him on Merv Griffin, Evening at the Improv and George Schlatter's Comedy Machine."

To Big Move #1

To Big Move #2

#3 IN A SERIES... Do credits really matter? I mean, as long as you bring the funny it shouldn't matter whether you've done your own HBO special or you run the open mic at Hammerhead's Hack House. All the audience will remember is that you were funny.

So I always felt a little sad when I heard comics introduced with, "This next guy, you've seen him on Merv Griffin, Evening at the Improv and George Schlatter's Comedy Machine." I wondered silently, has it really been that long since you've gotten a TV spot? And shouldn't you maybe make up something more current? Possibly The Chevy Chase Show? Sajak?

The Japanese have a concept called "bachi." It's kind of like the Western concept of "just desserts," except it's quieter and works harder. If you laugh when someone has a pigeon crap on them, bachi dictates that it will happen to you, too, but it will probably be a pterodactyl. You get the whole bachi thing? Yeah, bachi decided to pay me a visit this year.

If you recall from my first installment, I had done CBS's The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. Much fanfare and hoopla went on here in Hawaii, and I was pleased to have gotten my foot in the proverbial Hollywood door.

Great. Just great. No sooner had I nailed my first hefty TV credit than that quitter Craig Kilborn up and ruins it. My appearance this past summer on The Late Late Show was a big thing for me. It was supposed to be my first big step into The Big Pond, the beginning of my Big Move. But with Kilborn's announcement of his decision to leave the show, all that is in doubt.

Damn you, Kilborn! Damn you and the bachi you rode in on!

For a few brief moments, I was able to have that in my intro. "You may have seen him on Kilborn," the MC would say. And I would take the stage knowing that the audience knows they're getting to see somebody with some fresh credits to their name. I thought credits didn't matter, I heard a voice in my head say. Of course they matter, I shot back. The people who think credits don't matter, I told the voice, are the people without any credits.

Usually, the arguments in my head take place at a very low volume. But apparently, bachi has hearing that rivals that of a dog. And it heard me gloating to myself, nestled smugly in my hubris.

Springing into action quickly, bachi arranged for Kilborn to suddenly decide that he needed to pursue other projects. Sure, The Late Late Show is still on, with a variety of guest hosts until CBS finds a successor. And, yeah, I suppose I can still use The Late Late Show as a credit. But it doesn't roll off of the tongue like Kilborn, or Letterman or Leno.

Plus, until they find a permanent host, am I supposed to say, "You've seen me on Rotating Substitute Guest Host"? And even if they find a new host, I'm still stuck with the fact that Kilborn is gone and I can't say Kilborn without getting the same reaction I used to give when I heard Merv. My only hope is that whoever takes over as the permanent host will pick up where Kilborn left off, and lift the show to such stratospheric heights that I can say The Late Late Show and it won't matter if it's the Kilborn or the Clinton version.

So for now it's back to square one. I go back, once again, to look for that big national TV credit that will be my foot in the door.

And until then, my apologies to anyone who has ever appeared on, and still proudly announces their appearance on, any of the following:

The Ed Sullivan Show
Merv Griffin
Mike Douglas
Pat Sajak
Chevy Chase
Into The Night With Rick Dees
Thicke of the Night
The Joan Rivers Show
The Magic Hour
The Wayne Brady Show
The Martin Short Show
David Brenner
Comedy On The Road
Friday Night Videos.

As I've learned the hard way, it doesn't matter what you say in your intro just as long as you bring the funny. Until I land that spot on Letterman... then I pray all you folks would stop living in the past.

Ew, you think bachi heard that? Maybe I shouldn't move just yet. HOME Back to the Top