#14 IN A SERIES . . . . . NEW BIG MOVE
EVERY MONTH! Happy New Year. My car just depreciated
another two grand. Fucking great.
"If you’re going to be murdered,
it’s more likely to happen on January 1,
than on any other day," so says
The Paranoid’s Pocket Guide by
Cameron Tuttle. So if you’re reading
this, count your blessings, you made it.
That quote got me thinking; People are
likely to be murdered on New Year’s Day,
huh? You see, I thought most people never
actually followed through with their
intended resolutions. It’s nice to hear
that there are plenty of the so-called
"lazy Americans" getting out
there and completing their resolutions
right after the year commences.
I heard the actual air temperature
in upstate New York was -10 degrees
today. That, and the fact that is was
76 degrees in Hollywood this afternoon,
is exactly why I made the Big Move to
the City of Angels almost two years back.
Sure I only get about one spot a week at
the Improv-- if that-- but hey, it’s warm
out here chooch. Stick that in your ass
Mr. "Three Sets a Night" New Yorker.
A lot of stuff has been in the news
since we last spoke. We’ve got another
sniper arbitrarily shooting people-- this
time in Ohio. If you remember, a little
over a year ago, we had a sniper in D.C.
who randomly killed ten people. What
happened to the good ole days when you
got shot for a reason-- like for your
Air Jordans or Starter jacket?
The psychological profile of snipers
states that they want to send a message,
they want people to now their plight,
blah, blah, blah. The thing is, no one
can sympathize with someone who randomly
kills innocents. Hey sniper dude; you
want to send a message? You want people
to care? Start shooting meter maids.
Get up in a perch somewhere overlooking
Sunset Boulevard and fire away. Americans
from coast to coast would root for you then.
They’d be cheering for you like Mickey
and Mallory in Natural Born Killers.
Trust me, the media would make you a mega star.
Because the TV can make anyone
a star. Paris Hilton, her fine ass
notwithstanding, has zero talent, but
she’s more popular than most every comedian
out there save for maybe Carlin, Rock,
Seinfeld, Tim Allen, Rosanne, Carey
(Jim and Drew), Robin Williams, Carrot Top,
and Foxworthy. On a side note, that
video was great and can’t wait to see
Banging Paris Hilton, Part Deux.
TV can make us think whatever TV
wants us to think. Has it occurred to
you that more Americans are upset that
the Crocodile Hunter fed a ten-foot croc
while holding his baby than with say,
foreign policy or American’s safety?
Look, I’m not going to tell you what we’ve
done in Iraq is right or wrong, but when
more people talk about that Australian
schmuck than the fact that several
trans-Atlantic flights have been canceled
in recent weeks, there’s something seriously
wrong with us as a country. No wonder
they fucking hate us.
By the way, to any hack comics
that might be reading this I want you
to understand the following: The fact
that the Crocodile Hunter is in the news
for being an imbecile does not in any way
give you permission to start doing your
fucking horrendous, tiresome, annoying,
irritating impression of him, okay.
Got it? Good.
Being on TV doesn’t make you immune
to our nation’s laws though. A few
months back, Tommy Chong, of Cheech
and Chong fame and more recently
That 70’s Show, was sentenced
to nine months in jail, because he sold
water pipes, AKA bongs. Yes, you can
use bongs to smoke pot, thus making
them drug paraphernalia, but you can
also smoke tobacco in a bong. So
because you can smoke pot in a water pipe,
he was deemed guilty of selling
With that rationale, my local
grocer should be locked up and put away.
Anyone who’s spent so much as a semester
in college has smoked pot out of an
apple or an empty can of Mountain Dew.
Hopefully the winter the DEA will start
raiding grocery stores from coat to coast.
All of ‘em, Kroger, Ralph’s, Winn Dixie,
Publix, A&P, Waldbaum’s, and Piggly Wiggly;
They’re all guilty of selling apples
and Mountain Dew best I can tell from
my ample shopping experience.
Why am I going on and on about
shit in the news, you ask? Well, I was
going to write to you about the screening
of a comedy documentary that I was
invited to last night. A documentary
that has in it among others George Carlin,
Drew Carey, Bob Saget, Lewis Black,
Jon Stewart, Gilbert Gottfreid,
Susie Essman, Jeffrey Ross, David Brenner,
Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg,
Lisa Lampanelli, Judi Gold, Jake Johansen,
Dom Irerra, Kathy Ladman, Phyllis Diller,
Eddie Izzard, Penn and Teller, Bobby Slayton,
Sarah Silverman, The Amazing Jonathon,
Billy Connolly, and many more.
Some of the celebs listed above were
to be at this invite-only screening,
but at the last moment and, I mean
literally yesterday afternoon, the
screening was canceled, as the film
was deemed not completed. I was bummed
as I had spent six bucks on film for my
camera, but I was still able to see a
rough cut of the film last night as I
am friends with the editor, but the big
exciting "screening" I thought
I was going to was canceled and there was
nary a big shot in the Sherman Oaks
apartment I viewed it in. I’ve been
told that when the film is "ready"
I can share more details, but for now
I mustn’t reveal any more. Trust me
on this though; if you’re a comedian
you’re going to love it.
Once again, Happy New Year. If you
just found us here at SHECKYmagazine,
thanks for stopping by. I hope you
come back again and again as the winter
turns to spring and so on. But do me
a favor will ya? Take down those gaudy
Christmas Lights. And trade in your
car before it’s too late.