StandUp: The Do's and Don'ts
Installment #6
I recently decided to take a long over-due, much needed
vacation.
Okay, I got canceled. The point is I have some time off and
I'm trying to figure out the best way to use it to my advantage.
• I've been thinking about taking up yoga.
I've had a lot of
stress in my life as of late. Rehab took a lot out of me.
My friend with the Cadillac dealership keeps leaving obnoxious
messages on my answering machine. If a guy lends you a car you
bring it back when you don't need it anymore, am I right? I
nearly signed up for the yoga class a couple of months ago but
when I got there I was looking at all these people through the
big window of the yoga place. They didn't look like a bunch of
people I'd hang out with. They looked like the kind of people I
say "No" to when they want money for their church or
their favorite disease.
• There's some spring-cleaning to be done around
the old apartment.
I got as far as lifting the mattress off the floor before I realized
that wasn't going to happen. Somebody tell me how food finds it's
way under a mattress and why it thinks it's not going to go bad once
it gets there. There were only a couple of sandwiches but my god
it's a haven for chips of all sizes, colors, and odors. Did you
know that if you leave a chip out long enough you can actually fold
it like a towel? I started doing the windows and realized all the
street people could see in so I just taped the aluminum foil back
up and let that little inspiration go the way of the dinosaurs.
Somebody explain to me the benefit of drapes, and blinds and rods
and all that crap when our friends at Reynolds wrap do the job for
so much less.
• Diet. That's the ticket. How long can I
expect to get laughs
with that, "You can't keep a great tool like this without building
a shed over it." line to work before the entire nation demands that
it be taken off the stock list? Anyway, either I lose weight or I
buy clothes. No brainer. To buy clothes means going to a store and
trying on clothes and then dipping into my beer money to pay for
clothes. Who came up with this recipe and what the hell was SHE
thinking? What I really need is a relationship with a waitress
who can sew elastic into my pants. I'll have to work on that.
Be right back, got to put that on a sticky note before I forget.
I'm back. And I have cookies.
•I could try to write some material but who the hell am I
kidding? Maybe I'll pop over to the club, have a couple of
cold ones and see if I get any ideas watching the open-mikers.
Be right back, that's another sticky.
Back again.
• I think I've found a viable option to
my dieting dilemma.
I found a coupon for big cheap shirts. They're not much to
look at if you go by the picture but you never know. If I
got myself maybe three big cheap shirts I wouldn't have to
close my pants when I'm working. Three big cheap shirts for
six bucks is a steal. I might have to buzz on over there.
The Cadillac gets the suckiest mileage but what's a guy to do?
The store is called MaxMillians' Big and Tall. I'm thinking
that the Max in MaxMillians' is supposed to represent maximum.
There's probably a joke there somewhere but who has that kind
of time? I would give anything for some milk to go with these
cookies. I had some milk but it was kind of chunky so I gave
it to my neighbor's cat. He loved it.
• I think I'll go over to the golf course.
Guys leave their
bags unattended all the time and there's tons of stuff they don't
care enough about that you can just take. I have a full set of
irons that are like new. Different brands of course but who cares.
I need a driver and a putter. And a bag. Sticky-note.
I'm back.
So, I'm kicking back and loving it. All of you comics should
think about kicking back and taking some time off. It's good
for you and it's good for your show. If you need someone to
fill in for you at the last moment send the scummers at SHECKY!
an e-mail and they can forward it to me. Mostly I close.
More to follow.
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