PAUL F. TOMPKINS: Are you me?

PFT: Yes.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: Paul, you aren't famous yet. Why not?

PFT: Paul, I don't know. What more do I have to do? I refuse to believe the American public is too stupid to embrace me and my prodigious talents. Also, I'm very handsome and, as far as charisma goes, well, let's just say I'm magnetic and leave it at that.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: Why aren't you in movies?

PFT: Why aren't you in movies? Yeah, you don't like it so much when I turn it around on you, do you?

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: On DAG you play a character named "Sullivan Pope". What is it like to play a character who is a made-up person?

PFT: You know, it's weird because there's a guy named "The Director" who yells "Action!" at me and then I'm supposed to pretend to be this other guy who doesn't really exist, with a fake name (different from mine) and everything. So I say all this stuff that somebody else named "The Writers" made up (and I have to memorize it, too!) and everybody all around me pretends I'm this other guy too. Sometimes it makes me afraid a little bit, because it's weird how much pretending is going on.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: Your hair is always so nice. Do you get free haircuts at work?

PFT: I'll say! That's what's great about show business --you always get stuff for free. People who don't go into show business are fools! I can take naps at my job! I get free snacks and sodas too!

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: What's it like to be rich?

PFT: You know, it's funny. You have this idea that being rich is great, and then when you're finally rich, it's so much better than you ever imagined it. One neat thing about being rich is that the more money you make, the harder it is to remember being poor. Soon you have no patience for poor people, because being rich makes being poor seem stupid and boorish (on my good days I see the poor as quaint and "honest", but mostly, they're just in the way, standing around and being all unsightly and poor).

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: Do you have a cell phone and everything?

PFT: Yes.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: Wow.

PFT: I know.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: If I watch television, and I see you on the screen, you can't see me, right?

PFT: I see someone. I don't know if it's you. But when I'm on TV, I do see someone. I hope it's you, because if it's not, it might be a crummy old ghost or something who wants to haunt me like nobody's business.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: You're from Philadelphia, aren't you?

PFT: Not any more. I had my birthplace legally changed to Bermuda. You can do that now. If you go to the place where you get passports, you'll see they have a desk there where you can legally change your birthplace. There's a civil servant who works with you on creating your whole new background, and it's really great. So, no, I'm not actually from America, although your country has been very good to me. I was born in my family's ancestral home on the island of Bermuda. When I was eight I was bitten by a cobra!

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: What did you do for the holidays?

PFT: Well, I--

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: Anything special?

PFT: Okay, your tone needn't be so snotty. But if you must know, I ate a brick of hash and made phone calls.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: You are a legendary standup comedian. Do you still make time to perform live?

PFT: I try to do standup sparingly because I see lot of talented fresh young kids coming up in the clubs, and I feel so guilty performing in front of them. It just has to be demoralizing seeing someone as good as I am when they're still working it out. I mean, I'd like to inspire people, not crush their dreams by highlighting their inadequacies. "Heavy is the head that wears the crown," indeed!

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: Will you be reprising your role on DAG next season?

PFT: That's a tricky question. If DAG comes back next year, then yes, I will be reprising my role on DAG. But I signed this contract with NBC that requires me to play the same character next year whether DAG comes back or not. They'll just keep moving me around from show to show. For the next thirty years. Eventually they'll run out of shows, won't they? Then what happens to me? I mean, how long can I play this same character and remain sane? As soon as this interview's over, I'm going to fire everyone I possibly can. Oh, and thanks for bringing it up.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: Will you please, please, please give me your opinion of the Robbie Williams video where he ripped his own skin off?

PFT: All right, but I think this'll have to be the last time I answer this question!

At first, I thought it was really gross but I had to admit it was cool. Then I saw it again and realized it was cool and also funny. I didn't really like the song, but the video was funny and also cool.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS: What's up for Paul F. Tompkins in 2001?

PFT: All through 2001 I'll just be looking forward to 2002, when I can begin referring to 2001 as "aught-one".

PAUL F. TOMPKINS is an accomplished actor and standup comic who wrote for HBO's Mr. Show. He portrays Sullivan Pope on the NBC sitcom DAG, starring David Allen Grier and Delta Burke.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS is an accomplished actor and standup comic who wrote for HBO's Mr. Show. He portrays Sullivan Pope on the NBC sitcom DAG, starring David Allen Grier and Delta Burke.