1. Do you have a favorite sentence?

I would have to say 50 years to life.

2. What is currently in your pant's pockets?

Nothing, since they're hanging on my chair. I can only use the internet naked.

3. What is the most underrated condiment?

Chocolate sauce.

4. When was the last time you hurt yourself either accidentally or on purpose?

About 7 hours ago. Hurting myself is part of my comedy. It just comes naturally.

5. What cancelled television show would you like to see back on the air?

Seinfeld....does that count, it wasn't cancelled, Jerry decided to stop it.

6. Do you have a favorite shape?

Yes, and I'll be going to her website as soon as I stop answering these questions.

7. Where would you go if you wanted to start over?

The womb.

8. What is at the top of your wish list?

A trust fund.

9. In the "It Occurred Onstage" category, what Bob Lazarus story is most often retold by you or others?

Well, I've had so many screwed up things happen, that I don't remember them all. I'll have friends come up to me and retell stuff that happened to me, that I have no recollection of. This one I vaguely remember. I was onstage at this place that had a black curtain with a wall behind it. It might have been a stage flat (is that the right word? Do you know what I mean?) Anyway, I had this bit where I put my back to the audience and put myself in a position like a cop has me against my car to frisk me. Well, as I placed my hands against the curtain, which I think has a wall or a flat behind it, my hand went right through a window that was behind the curtain, causing this smashing sound. I think I adlibbed that it sounded like a jewish wedding and proceeded.

10. In the "It Occurred Offstage" category, what Bob Lazarus story is most often retold by you or others?

Oh, there's way too many. I had to consult Bill Braudis on this one and he has yet to give me his favorite, but he told me it would have to involve my driving exploits. So, I'm going to go with the time I was driving up to the white mountains with Paul Kozlowski, back in the days when I still smoked cigarettes. I was smoking a butt, while I was driving, and I went to throw it out the window when I was done. I know that's littering, which I abhor, but when I smoked, I felt it was dangerous for someone like myelf to look down for a split second to find the ashtray. So, in the spirit of safety, I hurled my butt out the window, and it went out fine, but the head of the cigarette blew back through the window into my ear. And I didn't know what had happened until I smelled burning flesh, which was my ear. As I screamed out in pain, I started whacking against my head and ear to get the fire out. Paul, meanwhile, was in the passenger seat, and had no idea what was happening, but he saw burning embers coming out of my head. He thought my brain was on fire. But, then, I'm sure that's happend to most of your readers who smoke.

11. Who made you laugh hardest when you were ten years old?

That depends on when I'm going to admit I was ten years old. But, Jackie Gleason might be a good answer. Also, Jack Benny. If I wanted to really fake my age, I'd say Steve Martin.

12. If you had a talk show, who would be your band leader?

Keith Richards

13. What is the first thing you write on a brand new calender?

Download Shecky Magazine

14. Do you have a T-shirt that you refuse to throw out?

Just about everyone I own.

15. Is there a book that you've read more than once?

Gosh, with a seven-year-old daughter, there's quite a few. "One Fish Two Fish," "Go Dog Go" and "Goodnight Moon"....which, I don't want to brag, but I've memorized that one.

16. Is there a book that you just couldn't finish?

Since my daughter was born, I've had a problem with starting about 8 books that I haven't finished. So, I guess the proper answer would be, all of them. I can only get through a Seuss book.

17. What is the most unintentionally funny thing you've ever seen?

Antagonizing a llama, with my then four year old daughter in my arms, at a petting zoo so much, that he spit in my face. He must have been an inner city llama.

18. What three standup comics would you like to take on a 1000 mile road trip?

I'm really stuck on this one. There's lots of people I like traveling with, as long as they're not my wife.

19. What chick flick do you secretly enjoy?

Come on, I'm a guy. I like all lesbian movies.

20. What's the first thing you check when you look in the mirror?

My hair. It grows like a weed (I'm thankful for that) and it always has a mind of it's own.

Here's where we turn the interview over to the interviewee:

21. What question would you like SHECKYmagazine.com to ask you?

It's 1:40 in the morning, and I don't want anymore questions. If I think of one, I'll send it another time.