KEEP IT TIGHT

One of the big--and I do mean big--attractions at this year's Just For Laughs Festival was Puppetry of the Penis. What is Puppetry of the Penis? you ask with slight trepidation, fearing that it will be exactly what you are imagining it to be. According to its creators, Puppetry of the Penis is an hour-long--and I do mean long-- show featuring what they like to call "genital origami." In other words, it's two guys sitting around playing with themselves. Quite frankly, if I wanted to see two guys sitting around playing with themselves, I would just take the subway.

Puppetry of the Penis stars Australians Simon Morley and David Friend. It also stars their penises. I don't know the names of their penises, but I'm assuming that they are also from Australia--or should I say Down Under? (Rim shot, please.)

To answer your one and only question, no they do not get erections during the show. In a recent interview, Simon Morley was quoted as saying, "I've never met a man who could get it up with hundreds of people laughing at his penis. I wouldn't want to meet the guy who could." What a relief! Imagine what the show would be like if they did get excited? The people in the front row would have to wear raincoats just like they do at a Gallagher concert.

I have nothing against Mr. Morley and Mr. Friend-- and thank God for that because they're not wearing any clothes! (Bada-bing!) In fact, on an intellectual level, I actually admire the simple genius of their creation. I just have one problem: I don't want to see a strange man's penis! That's right kids, I don't want to see a penis unless it's attached to my husband... and it doesn't even have to be his penis. (I'll be here all week!) So, while I was sitting at the JFL's Gala 9, minding my own business, imagine my surprise when the Puppetry of the Penis guys made a cameo appearance. There they stood-- capes, socks, sneakers and penises. All I could think to myself was, "What happens if it gets too cold in here? Will we all get a refund?"

The most amazing thing about Puppetry of the Penis is not the "dick tricks" themselves, but rather how it turns the supposedly worldly press into a bunch of giggling ten-year-olds. I have never seen two naked men get so much coverage. "Cock Sure," "Erect From London," "Free Birds," the headlines screamed. I haven't seen so many penis puns since John Wayne Bobbit had his reattached.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a good dick joke. I've been telling them professionally for sixteen years. But when a cute-as-a-button dick joke teller like myself can't get into the festival, yet two guys who whip it out and twist it can, I have to wonder what's happened to everyone's sense of proportion.

With that in mind, I have figured out a way to secure a spot in next year's JFL. I am now working on my one-woman show called Vaudeville of the Vagina. I have it all planned: I'll lie on a table with my feet in the stirrups, a microphone strategically placed between my legs and then in pure vaudeville fashion, my vagina will "do a little song, do a little dance, tell a few jokes and perform sketches with very special guest vaginas." It's Georgie Jessel meets Karen Finley! This has NEA grant written all over it! (The New York Times says, "Vaudeville of the Vagina is the funniest show in town. Vaudeville of the Vagina is the funniest show in town." Hey, they didn't have to say it twice! "We didn't," says the New York Times.)

Just think about it, The Vagina Monologues may have women talking about vaginas, but my show would actually have a talking vagina. (Maybe this would be a good time for my dad to turn off his computer and take a nice relaxing walk.) "I just flew in from New York and boy are my lips tired." "A rabbi, a priest and a vagina walk into a bar..." "And now I'd like to do my impression of a man in a boat." The boys at the Montreal Gazette won't be able to resist!

And the best part is, if we lose money--and I do believe we will--the financial reports will read, "'Vagina' remains in the red." Move over Puppetry of the Penis! I may not be able to make my genitalia look like the Eiffel Tower, but my vagina will give you 75 minutes of "A" material. Of course, later on at the Delta bar, no one will recognize me. After all, who is going to be looking at my face?