AnOpenLetterToFemaleComics

Dear Ladies,

Let's be honest, most of you suck. Most guy comics suck, too, but they can do their own open letter.

Everyone knows chick comics are out of their fucking minds. I mean, as careers go, stand up comedy is the most amount of work with the least amount of payoff. And with girls the rewards are even smaller. I mean if you're a guy, being funny will at least get you laid. So why would any of us choose to be stand up comics? Clearly, we have serious mother issues and an insatiable appetite for self-sabotage. But being part of a group that is by and large labeled psychotic doesn't bother me at all. In fact, more often than not, I'm proud to be a girl who's all fucked up. It's the other label that depresses me. Our less than stellar reputation for being less than funny.

And it's because of you. If you thought you weren't getting noticed just because you suck shit, you are so wrong. It seems all those stupid flyers to your stupid gynocentric open mic night bringer shows are actually paying off. Word is out. Chick comics suck. And you're to thank. (Confetti falling.)

I'm a reasonable lady, ladies. I'm not suggesting we take away anyone's hobby or games night or whatever, but calling what you do stand up comedy leads to a lot of unnecessary confusion. I think this whole thing can be fixed with a little communication. I propose, and please, feel free to let me know if you've got a better idea-- I'm just brain storming here-- But uh, I think unfunny girl hacks should make it clear when they advertise shows, or talk to people about themselves, or at the very least put it in their in their intros, that they're 'not the good ones'. Once that catches on, we'll be able to note the distinction with a simple lapel ribbon.

Sounds easy, but here's the problem. Bad female comics don't seem know they are bad female comics.

Maybe this will help.

You're Not Funny and No One Likes You.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Being funny is an attractive trait. If you're doing it right people will want to hang out with you. If you're doing it wrong you're sitting by yourself reading an online article about why you suck as a stand up comic.

You're Mad Right Now

Likely, a tip off you don't have a sense of humor.

You Shake Your Money Maker as an MC

You're not funny, but the good news is, you're probably hot. A lot of places use hot, unfunny chicks to MC their shows. I have no idea why. Especially in Hollywood, where if people want to see an unfunny hot chick, they can just turn around.

The Headliner Refers To You as His Ol' Lady.

Okay, there are exceptions to every rule and this one's my guilty pleasure. If you're gonna risk your reputation fucking comics, I suggest you pick funny ones who can inspire or at least amuse. Ah, live and learn.

You're an Actress

Fuck you. Get off the stage.

You Don't Support Funny Chicks

You might think they're bitches, cunts, assholes, home-wreckers and/or misogynists, but if they're funny, you need to support them. Guys love to shrug their shoulders and sadly admit that although they would love to see/use/hire female comics, "...there just aren't any." But that's such a transparent response of someone who's scared and lazy. An obvious excuse so they don't have to do anything like be supportive or work with one that's funnier than them. We know there are funny chicks out there. If you can't be one, support one.

(And by support, I mean pay my bar tab.)

Yours Truly,
Bonnie McFarlane,
Female Comedian
(One of the good ones)