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Let's be honest, most of you suck. Most guy comics
suck, too, but they can do their own open letter.
Everyone knows chick comics are out of their fucking
minds. I mean, as careers go, stand up comedy is the
most amount of work with the least amount of payoff.
And with girls the rewards are even smaller. I mean
if you're a guy, being funny will at least get you laid.
So why would any of us choose to be stand up comics?
Clearly, we have serious mother issues and an insatiable
appetite for self-sabotage. But being part of a group
that is by and large labeled psychotic doesn't bother
me at all. In fact, more often than not, I'm proud to
be a girl who's all fucked up. It's the other label
that depresses me. Our less than stellar reputation
for being less than funny.
And it's because of you. If you thought you weren't
getting noticed just because you suck shit, you are
so wrong. It seems all those stupid flyers to your
stupid gynocentric open mic night bringer shows are
actually paying off. Word is out. Chick comics suck.
And you're to thank. (Confetti falling.)
I'm a reasonable lady, ladies. I'm not suggesting we
take away anyone's hobby or games night or whatever,
but calling what you do stand up comedy leads to a
lot of unnecessary confusion. I think this whole
thing can be fixed with a little communication. I
propose, and please, feel free to let me know if you've
got a better idea-- I'm just brain storming here--
But uh, I think unfunny girl hacks should make it
clear when they advertise shows, or talk to people
about themselves, or at the very least put it in
their in their intros, that they're 'not the good
ones'. Once that catches on, we'll be able to
note the distinction with a simple lapel ribbon.
Sounds easy, but here's the problem. Bad female
comics don't seem know they are bad female comics.
Maybe this will help.
You're Not Funny and No One Likes You.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Being funny
is an attractive trait. If you're doing it right
people will want to hang out with you. If you're
doing it wrong you're sitting by yourself reading
an online article about why you suck as a stand up
You're Mad Right Now
Likely, a tip off you don't have a sense of humor.
You Shake Your Money Maker as an MC
You're not funny, but the good news is, you're
probably hot. A lot of places use hot, unfunny
chicks to MC their shows. I have no idea why.
Especially in Hollywood, where if people want to
see an unfunny hot chick, they can just turn around.
The Headliner Refers To You as His Ol' Lady.
Okay, there are exceptions to every rule and this
one's my guilty pleasure. If you're gonna risk your
reputation fucking comics, I suggest you pick funny
ones who can inspire or at least amuse. Ah, live and
You're an Actress
Fuck you. Get off the stage.
You Don't Support Funny Chicks
You might think they're bitches, cunts, assholes,
home-wreckers and/or misogynists, but if they're
funny, you need to support them. Guys love to shrug
their shoulders and sadly admit that although they
would love to see/use/hire female comics, "...there
just aren't any." But that's such a transparent
response of someone who's scared and lazy. An obvious
excuse so they don't have to do anything like be
supportive or work with one that's funnier than them.
We know there are funny chicks out there. If you can't
be one, support one.
(And by support, I mean pay my bar tab.)
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