BONNIE COLUMN INDEX
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"There are many ways for a guy to bring
a woman down a peg or two. They can be
condescending, tell her she's fat, fuck her
up the ass. Oh yeah, there's also calling her
a cunt. But for that to happen, she’d have to
make the guy really, really mad. Due to my
great abilities to ire, I have been called
a cunt on more than several occasions
and I can tell you from these experiences,
it's not as fun as being fucked up the ass."
Archive Index page. Click on the title to go to the column.
"I'm always a little anxious about performing for New York audiences. I have been booed, hissed, screamed at and hit in the head with a packet of soy sauce. Once I tanked so bad, I stayed to the end of the set so I could shake everyone's hand and say, 'Thanks for coming, you piece of shit.' "
"As a comic, I've always taken that make-the-audience-happy-thing
very seriously. Perhaps that's why I've tended to have a bit of
trouble with it. But one night, not that long ago, I got the
biggest applause break of my career and I was just barely responsible.
I'd convinced a chick to get onstage and show her big melon
breastsesses to the crowd."
"My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She's a
one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born-that-way retard.
I learned a long time ago that if you're going to tell a story
about your retarded sister, you need to mention she's retarded
right off the bat or inevitably, at the end of the story,
someone will say, 'What...is she, retarded?' And then
you have to go, 'Uh...yeah, she is.' Followed by
a lengthy, awkward silence."
"I've heard it so often in fact that I
decided to research it at length. After carefully
analyzing the data of several independent studies on
the subject I report to you my unbiased findings:
Women are indeed not funny."
"Luckily I know how to read and do
it often and rarely when I’m high.
But sometimes I feel overwhelmed
reading Melville, Steinbeck, Camus
or any of the greats because not only
did they write brilliantly and often
but they did it all without the ability
"Let's be honest, most of you suck. Most guy comics
suck, too, but they can do their own open letter...
Everyone knows chick comics are out of their fucking minds. I mean, as careers go, stand up comedy is the most amount of work with the least amount of payoff. And with girls the rewards are even smaller."
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