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BONNIE COLUMN INDEX

In response to requests, we're presenting an easy-to-navigate
Bonnie McFarlane Archive Index page. Click on the title to go to the column.

"They Call Me Cunt, Pts. I & II"

"There are many ways for a guy to bring a woman down a peg or two. They can be condescending, tell her she's fat, fuck her up the ass. Oh yeah, there's also calling her a cunt. But for that to happen, shed have to make the guy really, really mad. Due to my great abilities to ire, I have been called a cunt on more than several occasions and I can tell you from these experiences, it's not as fun as being fucked up the ass."

"HappinessIsStandupComedy"

"I'm always a little anxious about performing for New York audiences. I have been booed, hissed, screamed at and hit in the head with a packet of soy sauce. Once I tanked so bad, I stayed to the end of the set so I could shake everyone's hand and say, 'Thanks for coming, you piece of shit.' "

"Stripper Quest"

"As a comic, I've always taken that make-the-audience-happy-thing very seriously. Perhaps that's why I've tended to have a bit of trouble with it. But one night, not that long ago, I got the biggest applause break of my career and I was just barely responsible. I'd convinced a chick to get onstage and show her big melon breastsesses to the crowd."

"Retard Jokes"

"My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She's a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born-that-way retard. I learned a long time ago that if you're going to tell a story about your retarded sister, you need to mention she's retarded right off the bat or inevitably, at the end of the story, someone will say, 'What...is she, retarded?' And then you have to go, 'Uh...yeah, she is.' Followed by a lengthy, awkward silence."

"Women Aren't Funny"

"I've heard it so often in fact that I decided to research it at length. After carefully analyzing the data of several independent studies on the subject I report to you my unbiased findings: Women are indeed not funny."

"Working"

"Luckily I know how to read and do it often and rarely when Im high. But sometimes I feel overwhelmed reading Melville, Steinbeck, Camus or any of the greats because not only did they write brilliantly and often but they did it all without the ability to backspace."

"Working"

"Dear Ladies,

"Let's be honest, most of you suck. Most guy comics suck, too, but they can do their own open letter...

Everyone knows chick comics are out of their fucking minds. I mean, as careers go, stand up comedy is the most amount of work with the least amount of payoff. And with girls the rewards are even smaller."


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