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Women Aren't Funny
"Women aren't funny." During my career as a standup,
I've heard that almost as often as, "You're not
funny." I've heard it so often in fact that I
decided to research it at length. After carefully
analyzing the data of several independent studies on
the subject I report to you my unbiased findings:
Women are indeed not funny.
It's true that some women seem funny. But
what's actually happening here is these women are gay,
fat, ugly, or a combination of all three, and their
grotesque personal limitations are great enough to
give you the impression of being funny by being
completely unfuckable. The laughter you're hearing is
nervous laughter, which can translate as, "Thank
God I don't have to fuck that." Let me give you
some examples. Joan Rivers seems funny.
But it certainly didn't hurt her comedy career that
the only guy who wanted to fuck her killed himself.
Moms Mabley seemed funny, and, again, that was
due to the fact that one glimpse of her made men
impotent. My father told me he once saw a man cut off
his own penis the instant she walked onstage. Roseanne
and Rosie seem quite funny and it's obvious that their
lack of self control at the craft service table was
what made that possible.
Sure, women perform at standup comedy venues, often
having their very own night-- all of which should be
called, "My Daddy Fucked Me and Mommy Never
Noticed Me." and then closes with a "I
can't get laid" piece to a room full of cheering
chicks. Well, you might notice that it's only the women
in the audience who are amused by her bitter contradictions,
but they don't know from funny. They are, after all, women.
I mean, be honest, women are raised to be pleasers,
and will laugh at anything, even the babble of a little
baby, who in clearly incapable of creating a well-crafted
In researching this piece, I caught wind of a very funny
woman performing on the club circuit. But in reality it
proved to be merely a monkey in high heels and a sun bonnet.
A male monkey.
You might argue that Hollywood loves it's classy, clitoral
clowns. This brings us to the group of comedic actresses
who have no idea how not-funny they are. These include
Sandra Bullock, Meg Ryan, Jenna Elfman, Jennifer Love Hewitt,
Sarah Michelle Gellar, Rachael Leigh Cook, and pretty much
any other actress sporting three names... Jennifer Lopez,
Julia Roberts, Ashley Judd, Brooke Shields, Calista Flockhart,
Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Lui, Jennifer Aniston,
Courtney Cox, Jenny McCarthy, Anne Heche, Charlize Theron...
obviously due to time constraints, I can only name a
fraction of these not-funny women. The smiles they don't
bring to men's faces are not indicative of humor, but only
men's desire to fuck them.
Skinny women can make you think they're funny for a
second, and then you realize they're just hysterical
and you are only laughing because you are frightened they
will hurt themselves or lop off someone's head with their
bony elbow. It's basically what is called "funny bone
laughter" which is based on the pain-pity response
and not triggering a genuine laugh reflex. Along the same
lines, women can appear to be funny when they fall in mud,
have food thrown at them, or are hit with a flying object
that they failed to catch. But it's actually the item
that hurts or soils them that's funny, and not the women
Okay, there's Janeanne Garofalo. A very big star of
the screen, who seems to be the odd missing link of women
in comedy. Is she funny? Is she pretty? Is she gay?
Men don't know whether to fuck her or fight her, which is
likely the key to her success. Confusion can often produce
a laugh, but funny it clearly isn't.
Obviously women can say they are funny. Many talk
at length about it without one single punchline to back
them up. Women can have sex with funny men but no matter
how much comedy sperm they swallow, the woman's estrogen
immediately attacks and destroys whatever humor she may
Women can wear funny, even outlandish, costumes and not
even raise an eyebrow, except perhaps in annoyance. A bit
of irony should be noted here that women dressed as men are
not funny at all-- Tina Brandon comes to mind-- but men
dressed as women will always get a rousing guffaw. Who can
look at Benny Hill or Milton Berle and not burst into genuine
Sure, some guys will tell you that the woman they're
dating is funny. Hysterical. A real crackerjack. But let's
be honest here, what the man is really saying is that the
good ol' girl is willing to throw back her head and laugh
uproariously at all his fabulous jokes and clever
I'd like to put to rest the ever-persistent social lie
that men love funny women. Men cannot love funny women
because there are none.
Yes, women can star in situation comedies, be the center
square or write clever monologues about their vaginas.
But none of these admirable accomplishments make women funny.
Women aren't funny. And clearly, I'm no exception. So,
when a young female comic comes to me and says,
"How do I go about being funny?" I say,
"You don't." But if no one wants to fuck you,
that's as close as you're going to get.
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