#15 IN A SERIES . . . . . NEW BIG MOVE
EVERY MONTH! I may have just gotten a ticket. Literally
45 minutes ago.
I donít know and I wonít know
for three weeks and thatís the part that sucks.
I was driving East on Olympic Boulevard this
afternoon, not speeding and definitely not being
reckless. But then some asshole cut me off
and I stopped short. This left me in the intersection
as the light turned red, thus leaving me high
and dry when the flash went off.
Was my picture taken? I donít know. Maybe
I was far enough through. Now I donít know
if Iíll actually get a ticket. Maybe the camera
was shooting the jackass next to me. Maybe
it flashes every time the light turns red. Nah,
Iím pretty sure Iím getting a ticket.
If a cop was on hand, clearly I wouldnít
have been ticketed. As a matter of fact,
the moron in the Escalade that cut me off
would have been cited. But since we live in
a world where Big Brother is watching in place
of humans, Iím going to get the ticket because
as you know, Big Brother isnít rational.
I was on Olympic because I was dropping
off a writing package at Power Entertainment,
the management company that represents Steve
Marmel-- standup comedian as well as creator
and executive producer of the new Spike TV
animated series, This Just In.
This Just In (or TJI for short)
centers around Brian Newport, an outspoken,
opinionated fellow always willing to crack
inappropriate joke-- my kind of guy. One thing
to note is, according to the website,
(http://www.spiketv.com ) Newport is unabashedly
politically conservative. OK, thatís where
we differ a little. But a writing gig is a
writing gig and Iíd love to write for a show
thatís so up-to-the-minute with regard to
social issues and political events.
(Howís my brown nose looking right now?)
Time will tell if I get the job, much like
Iím going to wait and see whether or not I
got ticketed today.
One of the things I had to do for my
"TJI" submission was write topical
jokes on news stories that broke over the last
few days. The problem was that this has been
the worst news week for joke writers ever.
Not that there havenít been a lot of
stories, but for comics concerned with being
unique, this week theyíre outta luck. The comedian
hack alert was raised to level red this week
with the top stories being in no particular
order; Martha Stewartís conviction, Obesity
in America and Gay Weddings.
Yes, a gold mine of material exists there,
but every hack in America did a version of
Denis Learyís classic joke about suing heavy
metal bands (See "No Cure for Cancer").
Trust me, if you were at an open mic this week,
you heard some lazy "comic" say
something along the lines of, "If people
can sue McDonalds for making them fat, I guess
I can take legal action against Super Cuts for
making me ugly," or any other of a million
lame, but similar analogies.
In all honesty, the worst part of this Martha
Stewart case is that with her sentencing being
in June, for the next three months Jay Lenoís
monologues will be that much more predictable.
And donít even bother listening to morning radio.
Every horrible "morning zoo" DJ loser
has told the same fat jokes for the last week.
Tonight I have a showcase at the Improv. Iíll
be performing for Danny Robinson of APA as well
as the talent coordinator of the Late, Late
Show with Craig Kilborn. My manager, Chris
DiPetta, set this up and to be honest, Iím thinking
about it a little too much. Iíve done the material
100 times before and really want to just treat
this like any other set, but with two sets of
eyes there to see me in particular, I canít help
but think about it. Given the choice, Iíd rather
land an agent right now, so if youíre wondering,
Iím going to try not to drop an "F" bomb,
but if I do, Iím not going to stress over it.
For those keeping score at home, hereís my set
list for tonight:
1. Pretty Girls
5. Baseball Game
10. Teen Violence
There you have it-- my jokes for this evening.
Some are brand new (rats, pandas, whales, education)
and others are two years old (teen violence,
Wonder why the set list is vague? I always make
it vague because if I do lose it-- and Iím always
losing things-- it wonít mean anything to anyone
but me. Iím not what youíd call "organized."
The worst example of my haphazard record keeping
is that when I get peopleís phone numbers I tend
to write down their number, but not their name.
Thus, I have an entire drawer full of napkins,
post it notes, and receipts with various ten-digit
numbers and no one to associate them with.
One day I hope to call some of them up and learn
who they are.
"Hello, do you know Tommy James?"
"Oh, you say he owes you $200 from back
"No, Iím not Tommy James. Iím just calling
you to let you know heís... um... he died last
The showcase tonight has come at a nice time.
In the last eight weeks, Iíve dropped almost
30 pounds (Thank you Dr. Atkins) and was hoping
to start meeting with people in an attempt to get
agency representation. I couldnít meet with
agents last year after the stroke. Even after
I had begun to feel better and my strength returned,
I was 30 pounds heavier (Thank you steroids)
and had zero self-confidence. Now, back to my
original weight, Iím ready to go. And if I donít
score with APA tonight, Iím certain Iíll land
an agent in the near future. Iíve got a good
feeling about this year.
In 2004 Iíve already had a TV spot. About
six weeks ago I was on the Comcast Comedy
Spotlight hosted by Bob Zany. I flew to
Pittsburgh for an evening at the Improv where
I performed ten minutes and made a few hundred
bucks. Not too shabby for ten minutes work.
My episode will also include David Crowe who
is a hilarious comedian and one people should
get familiar with. Also recorded that evening
was a Kevin Meaney one-hour special. Kevin was
his usual funny self and destroyed as he always
So one TV spot down and looking for #2.
Kilborn? Maybe. Premium Blend? I hope
so. I was told I was going to be on last year,
but that whole "stroke thing" got
in the way. Who knows what the next several
months will lead to? It could provide a spot
in Montreal and an appearance on a top network
talk show. Or it could lead to a violation
for running a red light. Stay tuned...